Merv's RUNNING

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Notes: After being nervous and tight etc. all week, I finally got to a good place Friday afternoon- a few minutes of deep breathing in a dark room did the trick. Was composed and ready from there, at that point not thinking about anything past the first half loop. Drove down with Ben, set up my stuff in Lloyd Hall, and just lazed around in there for a while. Stood through the pre-race meeting, and then got ready-W. Athens singlet and shorts, iRunFar hat, Saucony Rides and a fresh pair of socks, two GUs (not Gus) pinned to my shorts, sunscreen everywhere I would need it, and 20oz of HEED at hand. Did casual joint circles 10 minutes before the start, and then got into a position well back of the relay runners, maybe in the ~30s out of Ultra runners. Chatted with a few people at the start, pointed out Arbona to Jeff and Joel, and also Bart Yasso of all people. Started out laughably slow, was literally laughing out loud at how silly everything was. The final instructions I had received were to make some friends out there, so by the time we crossed the river I had paired up with a guy named Brian, running around 9 min pace. Was antsy to run faster, but made myself be patient, and chatted with him for a mile. Then joined Heather and Luis for a mile a tad faster, and then Jeff Brode another mile a tad faster than that. By this point we got to the halfway aid station, so as planned I took my first walking break. Had been sipping on HEED the whole way, and took a GU as I scoped out what that aid station had to offer. Walking was fine, but only made me more antsy as a half dozen people blew by me. 5 minutes of walking got to me just before the 4-mile mark of the loop (ie. 4 miles remaining back to the start), and I passed Scott, a 19-year old from VA, who then joined me for a mile, but at my pace. Finally around the 6th mile I started getting to splits in the 8:30 range. Rest of the loop was uneventful, finishing that one in 75:50. Exchanged bottles with Siqs, took a Gatorade chew, and set back out. Was running very consistently in the 8:30-8:40 range feeling as relaxed could be. Took the other GU at the halfway mark, and was slowly but surely moving up in the field, passing people for good who had gapped me while I was walking. Felt smooth and powerful, and wondered why more people weren't taking walking breaks. Second loop in 77:50, followed by a Clifbar, and pinned a Gatorade Chew to my shorts for halfway through the 3rd. The third loop was very similar to the second, getting gapped on both walking breaks, but then more than making up for it with the 8:30s in the middle. Was already a bit tired and sore here, which sounds incredible to say knowing what followed, but convinced myself that I just needed to get through the first 4 loops intact, and then I would get help. Passed a few more people on the 4th loop, but I don't remember much about it, was apparently already in the top-5 here but I was thinking more in the teens. Wondered why there weren't more people to get, but just figured all the contenders were just way off ahead, especially because I had ceded nearly a minute a mile the first loop. Third and fourth loops in 78:40 and 79:00, so slowing down slightly but not substantially, much like had happened in the trial run 3 weeks ago. Felt much better at this point than I had finishing then, so that was encouraging, and had been looking forward to getting company for hours. 5:11:23 through 4 loops, which is basically exactly where I thought I would be. Took a quick bathroom break here (pee was dark, but not dangerous looking), and then set out accompanied by Siqs, Riccio and Jossi. 8:40s were still coming pretty easily, and having company was so great, especially as they started taking things off my hands. Was still eating just every half loop, but I'd been upping my fluid intake, getting into the 35-40 oz of sports drink (starting with HEED, and then getting re-filled with Gatorade Endurance- the HS kids working the aid station just after the bridge were really pumped up each time I asked them to fill me up). Chelsea joined in with a few miles to go, and the lap totaled 81 minutes, but that was with the few extra minutes at Lloyd Hall at the start- 3, 4, and 5 were very consistent pacewise. Right at the end, Jossi told me I needed to be eating more. I told him I thought I was fine, but that I would try to get up to 200 calories each fuel break and took a Clifbar there with the plans have a PBJ halfway through 6. Went with Siqs and Jiggy for 6, and Chelsea ran us a few miles out. Saw Elaine and Hannah working one of the aid stations and gave them a big hello, so great to have friendly faces out there just for me. Crashed pretty hard at the halfway walking break, really struggled to get down the uncrustable, and ended up walking an extra 6-7 minutes up to the bridge. Felt weak and vulnerable, as I would every time I was walking from there to the end. Once the sandwich kicked in I felt better though, and from there I was basically eating or about to eat the rest of the time. Sometime towards the end of this loop we passed a guy for the first of several times, who was wearing a USMNT jersey (the red and white horizontal stripes)- I serenaded the crap out of him at least once with "We love ya, etc.", and got basically nothing back for my efforts. Oh well, singing put me in a good mood. Though already by this point Jiggy could point out that it was fine if I did it, but I would have been really annoyed if he and Siqs had started to do just that. Worked through some Chews, just nibbling slowly, which seemed to help, and the rest of the loop went by okay, except that I had slowed down to 9:20s very consistently. 87:30 for that loop, coming through 6 loops in 8:00:05, exactly as I had scheduled. Grabbed a soft pretzel and set out with Charlotte. By this point I had developed a spiel- a no-nonsense version of the email I had sent that situated my companions with exactly where I was at, and what I could handle- I could dish it out but not take it, walking was tougher than running emotionally, I needed to be eating constantly, I'm very transparent, don't take it personally if I tell you to shut up. Charlotte was game though, which was great, and I spent the first few miles eating a soft pretzel. Maybe also had a Clifbar and some Chews this lap? At the aid station after the bridge, discovered the joys of a cool, damp towel, and spent the rest of the loop wiping myself off and generally treating it like Linus might treat his blankie. Pace slowed down to ~10:00/mile here, so the loop was 90:40, about what I had budgeted for at this point. Char handed me off to Alana, and I began working on another soft pretzel. Eventually Hannah and Elaine joined us, and we ran mostly in silence the whole way, aside from when we saw Anthony waiting to say hi at a parking lot! I was a bit discouraged that we were running so slowly, but I couldn't really do anything about it so I just rolled with it. From here on I had no conscious say in what pace we were running, it was just whatever my legs could handle. That loop was 93 minutes, so still pretty dialed in. I was pretty tired at this point, but still with it mentally, as I spent the last two miles breaking down my thesis (prompted by being asked who my favorite historical figure was). It was getting dark at this point, so I went in and changed out of my singlet into a RTB shirt, and threw on the reflective vest and headlight. I had Elaine, Hannah, Kelley, Nora and Katie Greifeld with me on this loop, which was great, got lots of comments on how big my entourage was. Started off eating Bill Wristow's boiled potatoes, and definitely got down a clifbar of some size and some chews. We had slowed down to maybe 10:40s at this point, and I was frustrated by how slowly that was, but again couldn't really do much about it. The company was great though, not overly energetic but a definitive positive presence. Sometime during this loop two different people cheered for me by name, which was really unsettling. I reasoned that they had seen my name on the leaderboard list, which meant I was doing well, but also freaked me out because I did NOT want to know what place I was in, as there was nothing I could do about it. But so anyways I had a suspicion that I was way up there, but I told myself I was probably in the top-10 and that was fine. This whole time I was just constantly nibbling and sipping sports drink, and counting off the various milestones versus previous Goats (PD, each of Ian's runs, Patton; I'd forgotten Balcer had done it too, he was there the first few loops working the aid station at Lloyd Hall!). Sometime during this loop I started talking to myself pretty consistently, mostly "relax, relax, relax" and various form cues- definitely helped me keep it all together, and no one with me really commented on it. This loop was the slowest yet, in 1:43, but I was glad to have gotten past Patton. My goal at this point was to get to 10 laps intact, figuring that from there I could crawl (read: walk very slowly) and make it to 100. Started out the next one with Daisy, feeling crummy. Worked through one of Jossi's boiled potatoes, and just couldn't pull myself back to running after the 5 minutes was up. Got to the 76 entrance in front of the Art Museum and started up again, but going really slowly, maybe 12 minute pace. Chesty met up with us partway through, which was great, and I felt fine running even at that slow pace. Ate some pizza which was great. Once we started walking again halfway through I felt so godawful though, just so weak and vulnerable and ready to cry and quit. Walked all the way to the next aid station across the bridge, and then got back into 12 minute miles just feeling awful for myself. As we finished that loop, I was ready to give up competitively, and was trying to steel myself to just crawl through to 100, as opposed to stopping entirely, an entirely attractive prospect. That lap was 1:55, and I told Daisy that I couldn't imagine things getting any faster from there. At this point I still didn't know what place I was in. With a hundred meters left though, I finally cracked and asked Daisy, and he told me I was in second. I was pretty schoched to hear that, even though I'd had my suspicions, and I turned my spirits around instantly. I swore him and Chesty to secrecy about knowing what place I was in- the better to trick people into thinking I was a badass. Feet were starting to get worn out by the shoes, so I powered into Lloyd Hall, changed shoes and socks- total business mode. Took a minute to sit on the bench and get encouragement, Siqs read me love from RunneRunner, and gave me big hug from my mom. Felt like a badass, especially for having been so close to being about to give up. Serge Arbona blew by me (lapping me) right as I started number 11, which would tie Ian's best year. That was pretty impressive to see. I had Jossi and Desk with me here, and we got into a good rhythm- somehow I was back down to dead even 10:00 miles. Again, I didn't have much say in the matter, it was just whatever my legs were choosing to run. But so that was coming, and we were humming along, and feeling really positive, ate the whole time, potatoe, clifbar, chews, and was feeling good. That loop was 1:40, which was really encouraging. Headed out again after a two minute sitting break to try and repeat that previous lap, same fueling plan which had worked pretty well. At this point the only thing I could control was how big a bite I was taking, so I just tried to nibble as slowly as I could- chastising myself for taking too big a bite and trying to do better on the next one. I'd been exposed to a bunch of Zen thought lately (Matthiessen's The Snow Leopard, especially), and was happy to channel that- being very present in the moment, and only that present moment, and the only thing that matters is taking the bite currently at hand. Running was so automatic at this point, even easy (!), though walking was just a constant struggle. Took another cool wet towel somewhere around here, which again was a God-send. Don Letts drove by on Kelly Drive and gave us a honk and a point, he ended up parking down the road and giving us some love, which was great. By this point we'd been rolling 10:00 pace like clock-work, and feeling pretty awesome. Jossi said something about some "Big fish up ahead," which sounded really dumb to me because it was dark so you couldn't see any fish in the river, and there weren't any fish statues or anything in the area. A bit later I noticed that we were bringing two runners back (which was notable as almost everyone else we saw was walking)- a few minutes after that I realized that it was Serge Arbona and his pacer. Got a big grin on my face, and, as we gained contact, I changed gears much harder than I thought I could. Tried to ease past him, but Serge responded- though he didn't respond at all when I asked him how it was going- his face said it was going poorly, especially if some kid was catching him. He made a counter-move, and I tried to follow for a very short window, before conceding and regrouping with my crew. That was so cool, though, as I definitely un-lapped myself for a few steps. Eased back into that 10:00/mile groove, and finished that loop in 92:20, coming through Jossi's estimation of 100 miles in 17:40. I was pretty jazzed up at this point, and was entertaining thoughts of maybe getting 4 more laps in, definitely at least 3. I had heard that third place's last known lap was in the 2 hour range, so I thought I was pulling myself free and clear, and was hopeful that I could build a big enough gap that I wouldn't even need to think about it. Took another two minute sitting break and nibble on some Ramen (ie took a few bites, much like I'd done with a hot dog earlier- meat tasted really sour), and then went out with Desk, Riccio and Marie. Again got into a good rhythm physically, though i think I was a bit grumpier here than previously- basically had shut everyone up within a few minutes of starting out, so we ran in silence most of the way. Looking back, probably didn't get enough calories in during this loop, as I was so focused on eating such tiny bites, and I think the sports drinks were more watered down by this point that I probably only got 300-400 calories, as opposed to 500-600 of the previous few laps. But that lap went smoothly enough, definitely didn't feel as great as the previous lap, but still had my sights on maintaining that rhythm for a while longer. It's hard to explain how dialed in I was for these three loops- people use "machine" for these kinds of things, but an automaton is not a bad description of how I was acting, an input-output machine. Really for the whole day, maybe between the start of the second loop when I stopped making friends and the end of the thirteenth I didn't spend more than a minute thinking about anything that didn't help me race. At one point a project for work popped into my head and I shooed it away immediately. Those last three good laps I achieved a resolute clarity, inputting fuel and positive energy, which I could control, and outputting performance without thought or intention- all else was essentially discarded and useless to me, and could only serve to jam up the functionality. I shut down several conversations that didn't pertain to helping me run better, and can't honestly remember thinking about anything that wasn't my next bite or planning the next piece of food I was going to work on- form checks happened automatically, built in to the function I was using. If that state of being, which lasted for about 5 hours, isn't nirvana, then it is likely the closest I will come in this lifetime. The 14th loop, then, was a lifetime and a half. Daisy has written about it in far more detail than I care to re-live, but I will do my best here. Was feeling a bit more gassed after the 13th, likely from the recent steady pace and maybe not enough calories, and planned on taking a slightly longer sitting break at the finish line, maybe 10 minutes instead of 2 minute like the previous few loops. Got word after a few minutes, though, that third place actually hadn't fallen back at all- I had been hammering with the assumption that I was building myself such a buffer that I wouldn't need to think about competing. I wasn't doing it for the money, but it's hard not to be aware of a thousand dollars dangling out ahead of you, if only you can hold on. So hearing that I had gained nothing the previous few laps, when I had been flying, was really disconcerting, and I set out immediately into my scheduled walk, as I had every lap, this time with Chesty, Daisy and Cassie with me. After two minutes of walking, though, I wondered if I was making a mistake by not taking that longer rest, so I found a convenient bench and took a few more minutes. They were not good minutes. I think I had shocked myself out of that good rhythm- the idea of having to compete, all the way through, against some unknown person hunting me down was just so jarring, that I had a pretty solid meltdown sitting on the bench on the side of the Art Museum. After a few minutes, mustered myself together, and preceded to finish the walk portion. When it was time to run, I went to change gears and nothing happened. I was running, but moving more slowly than I had been walking. After 3 steps of this the competitive flame was basically extinguished- I made it 20 hours totally dialed in, but not 24. I instantly resigned myself to walking, a dreaded 3 hour loop, and waited for some mysterious figure to pass me. Actually got more and more disheartened as it took longer to get passed- why couldn't he just get it over with and put me out of my misery, so I didn't need to care that I wasn't moving quickly enough. Finally a fit dude power-walked by, got a pretty big gap, and then changed into a fast run. It was such a relief to not have to worry about that any more, to only have to finish the loop and be done. In hindsight, it's amazing how quickly I went from hoping to maybe hammer through 3 loops (I briefly thought I had a chance at cramming 4 full loops into the final 6+ hours, or least close to it) to seriously considering turning around and heading back to the Art Museum, desperate to be done. Finally got into a rhythm of walking after two miles of stumbling around, and then Chesty said he had heard Arbona and his pacer talking about me, wondering who the hell I was. And Cassie chimed in that, when she told the race director who she was there for, he knew who I was, and Daisy muttered something about making a name for myself. I broke into tears, and, next thing I knew, I was running. Not quickly, and not comfortably, but running nonetheless. We actually made it all the way to the scheduled stop at the aid station. Somewhere around here basically gave up on fueling, the better to focus on just getting one foot off the ground after the other. Took the walk break feeling just so completely broken, like I had every single time I was walking, and couldn't run anymore, so I walked to the next aid station. Shook hands with one of the volunteers I'd been bantering with all night (What do you need? Nothing, I'm good. Oh, shame, I was about to give you the winning lottery numbers), and started running. Did about a mile, and then walked a bit, again just totally shattered. Stopped to sit on the side for a few minutes, and loosened my shoes which didn't really help at all. Run again, stopped to shake some hands and thank the volunteers at the Fishtown Beer Runners station, some of whom were out there the entire 24 hours, including one short asian woman whom I'd bantered with most of the way as well. Took another walk break until about a mile to go, and then ran it in from there. This whole time was really frustrating, because all I wanted in the world was to stop, the only way to stop was to finish, and the quickest way to finish was to run. Which was the last thing I wanted to do. Except that the alternative, walking, made me feel like I'd been kissed by a dementor. Tried to trick my company into letting my sleep while I ran, but was too proud to ask them to hold me up and keep me on the path while I closed my eyes. Finally finally finally got to boathouse rown, and actually was able to change gears just a little in the final straight-away, not that anyone could tell. Told the timers that I was done, and then found a bench. Broke down pretty completely, was glad to have people there to put their arm around me. Alternated between cleaning myself off and heaving sobs uncontrollably, as my body and spirit processed what I had done and tried to transition away from automaton-mode. It was a difficult transition. Managed to walk over to the tent and pick up a medal, and then felt sly for showing the guys the shortcut through the bathroom into the gym. Got myself laid down, and then Riccio kept vigil over my while I dozed until the awards ceremony. Kathryn Goodall came for that, as did Siqs, Desk, and Robocop, who'd been penciled to join me for the lap I couldn't quite get to. So happy to have their company. Got my awards- a plaque for 3rd overall, and 25 dollars to Philly Runner for winning the age group, and was able to chat with Serge for a minute and David Ploskonka for a few. Went home and slept for 5 hours. Just to start with the negative, it really sucked to get obliterated at the end like that. To make matters worse, Ploskonka was an '04 Hopkins grad. In hindsight, I would have been better off (or at least no worse) not knowing where he was, as that was what had been working for me the whole time. He is also vastly more experienced at these things (to say nothing of Arbona, the now 6-time defending champ), having run Badwater 4 times (top-10 once), and covering 133 miles at the US 24 hour championships last year. Apparently 135 is a major target for guys, as that's what it takes to qualify for the national team. Who knew. So not too much shame in it, just wish I could've made him work for it that much more, if we were both going to suffer that much anyways. He ended up doing a whole another lap, so I would've needed to start a 16th lap at least, though he also stopped after 15 when he learned that I was done. Aside from that, though... ...this was an incredible success. My goal was to see how far I could go, mentally and physically. I wanted to break Ian's Goat record, I wanted to get to triple digits, but mostly I wanted to see what I was physically and mentally capable of, especially with people who love me wringing every last step out of me. Without company that last lap I would have curled up into a ball in front of the art museum and waited for someone to find me. It's unfathomable that I made it another 8 miles from there. In a different context of death-march, I would have been shot and left on the side of the road, but I was not allowed to give up, not allowed to abandon relentless forward progress at any point. I can not overstate how well supported I was for this, drawing on Ian's past experience, Jeff's eagerness and thoughtfulness in coaching, Jossi, Siqs and Desk's appreciation for the minutia of the effort, and the veritable army of pacers I had out there. It really does boggle the mind. In Born to Run, McDougall describes an ultra as a million-question quiz. I definitely did not get all the answers right, but I didn't need to, as I was able to make it a group project. We still didn't get everything right (I wonder if I could have taken in more calories that 13th loop, hindsight is 20/20), but we came pretty damn close I think. Everyone was so attentive to my needs, not in any selfish way, but in recognition that that was what would lead to success, which is what everyone was invested in. At some point, like I wrote above, I ceased to function as any kind of rational human being, doing nothing but nibbling and asking for the next piece of food, and automatically cheering whatever other poor soul we passed (almost all by themselves!). I could do that because all the thinking and preparatory work was accounted for. I feel bad for the next poor person to try to take a crack at this, especially a Goat a few years out of school, because, although they'll have a wide range of people to draw on, there's no way they'll get the same earnest total team effort I just received. Though I have no desire to try this again at any time in the next decade, I'm game to help anyone fool enough to think that this is anything but totally soul-draining. Sitting on the bench after finishing I felt so weak, physically and spiritually empty, an evenly more highly concentrated feeling of how walking was for me. Actually that's a total mystery to me. Why could I feel fine running, albeit slowly, and then feel so godawful for just 5 minutes of walking. The dementor allusion above is apt, actually, and it doesn't make any sense because you'd think my body would be happy for the break. Maybe it has to do with running setting off endorphins that don't fire when I walk? But would that still be happening after 12, 16, 20 hours? Even at the end, when the last thing in the world I wanted to do was run, I felt better running than walking. The highs were so high, though: Putting on the machine-mode act at the end of the tenth lap (which ended up not being an act) when I had been on the verge of quitting; trying to put a move on Serge Arbona, like we were out playing on the trails at the Wiss; and then seeing how pumped up Jossi was as we finished that loop, as he pointed out that this may be the best performance I've ever had. I don't quite believe that, as right now I'm prone to think that the Ultra-scene is vastly weaker than what I've been racing, but maybe that's not a fair comparison. Maybe the way to think about ultra running isn't how well you do in a field of runners (because this would not have been a competitive field at a local 5k, or even close to it), but how good you are at running and pushing yourself out of a very selective sample of people who like to run and are batshit crazy. It was a lot of fun, and I have no desire to do something like this again for a very long time.

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